I still think about you, F.

I still think about you some times...
Many hours spent on the phone, talking about what we liked the most, the common things we shared, where we were and what we were doing.
We wanted to fall in love, we wanted to feel what it was like to be crazy about someone else, we both read a lot, we just wanted a little taste of a happy ending... or at least a happy middle.
We both knew a future wasn't in the cards, but we decided to play the game either way, even when the odds weren't in our favor.
We were kids, alone for different reasons, with low self-esteem who just needed someone else who understood what it was like to be and feel alone.
You needed love and i needed to be free.

Life wasn't going the way i wanted at the time. Fun and amazing times as promised by the ones who swore to look after me, were replaced by hate and arguments that i needed to get away from.
You appeared in front of me at the perfect time in the form of a text message. Cause that's what we do this days, meet each other thanks to a screen.
You'd send me your words whenever i needed them.
I was selfish.
I was greedy.
 You were my little piece of heaven, i took everything from you and gave you nothing but disappointments in return.
I'm sorry.
I used you like a kid uses a toy, play with it, drag it around, and then just discard it after is done playing or doesn't like it anymore.

It wasn't something you did.
I didn't left you because you did something wrong. We both knew i was leaving the country and we shouldn't have tried anything, but we gave it a go anyways.
It wasn't cause i was leaving that i left you, It was cause it never should have happened in the first place.
You were falling for me, hard and fast. And I ?... I wasn't.
I left the place were i was miserable for a better one were i was happy, and when i found that happiness on my own, i realized that it was never you who made me happy, it was what you represented that made me wanna see you every time i could.
For me, you meant freedom. An escape route, a small detour in the road of life.
Already by myself, without hate surrounding me, i was able to breathe again and see everything more clearly.
I didn't need you anymore.
I realized what i had done.
 I pushed you away without an explanation, other than you deserve someone better. Because you do. Someone who looks at you and see a future, someone who is able to take you places i didn't, who helps you become a better version of you, cause you have an amazing heart and you deserve to be loved. You deserve better. And I'm not it.
I know I'm the one you hate.
I don't blame you, i would hate myself too if i were you.
I'm sorry, F.
I still think about you, F. ... sometimes.

~C